Yesterday, I read something that really stuck with me.
Dwelling On The Past
Mentally strong individuals focus on the present moment and on the near future. They understand that the past is out of our control and the far future is about as predictable as the weather this winter.
Isn't that mind opening? I mean think about it...we as an OCD community deal with guilt, condemnation, sadness, fear, and more that sometimes deal with the past. To become mentally strong we have to learn to focus on the present moment and the near future. Not the far future. Why? Well as the quote says, it is useless.
The last week I have been dealing with a lot of issues regarding my past. Essentially giving the past a bit of power over my life. So much power in fact that I lost nearly 4 days of work to a weird pseudo catatonic anxiety state. I could not work on anything because EVERYTHING was giving me anxiety attacks. I mean everything.
As my OCD has been getting better and better it has also been getting worse and worse. Two steps forward and three steps back. I am making progress but lord it is rough sometimes. This past week was caused by a string of events that eventually led to an attack. Let me explain a bit:
Two years ago (nearly 3 now) my fiance and I were in a rough spot. Life was about as bad as it could get. We had little money, lived in the ghetto, I was unemployed, and he was dealing with some personal issues we won't get into. Well, I began talking to a man who I had met online. we became quick friends and got extremely close. He took advantage of my feelings and I let my feelings get the better of me. Well, knowing that what was happening was wrong I rushed home and told my fiance all about it. He wasn't angry, he understood how I was feeling, and also realized his faults in what had happened. Well, he forgave me, we moved on, and he proposed a few months later. We have been happy ever since, sure we fight occasionally, but overall we are happy as can be. We are in the second stage of our relationship and will soon move onto our third, marriage.
Now I say all of that to say this...I think the worst of myself so much.I feel like I am the most horrible person ever. I will harp on a mistake over and over and over until it is so deeply in tune with my soul that it becomes a part of me instead of a part of my past. Honestly, I still think about the mistakes that I made years and years and years ago. I think on them and feel guilty for them. The devil tells me I will get over it if I just bare my soul and ask every person for forgiveness but my mind and heart knows that in reality two things could happen:
1. That forgiveness could never ever happen.
2. You bring up negative feelings that others are dealing with and have moved on resulting in more anger and a whole extra bag of feelings.
So what do you do? Forgive yourself. I am convinced that is the answer. You have to forgive what you have done and know that God forgives you of it.
Take me for example, if my Fiance forgives me and God forgives me then I need to forgive me. But I can't. Why? Because I dont think that I am worth forgiveness. I did what only the scum of the earth does. I did what people who are weak minded, weak willed, and weak do. I broke the trust of my boyfriend. I let everyone down.
See how I could go on and on? If I let the OCD and the devil have free reign my mind would be in the gutter. Self deprecating talk is about as useful as trying to swim in snow. You have to stop. You have to move on. You have to forgive yourself.
I asked H how he moved on from things he has done wrong. He has had a life and lived a life! Which always means making mistakes, and subsequently moving on from those mistakes.
"I don't know, I guess I just do. Sometimes I think about things I've done wrong and wish I'd done them differently but you can't so I just forget about them."
He put it simply and I have broken it down into a few steps you can follow to help you through those troubling times:
1. Let it go - Now I am not talking about simply letting the thought float away. No, you will have to force those thoughts out. Get them out of your head. Write them out. Speak them. Do what you have to do to get those thoughts out of your head.
2. Forgive yourself - You cannot change the past and you cannot let the past change you. You control how you let the past affect you. So much of OCD is about not having control. A fear of your life spinning out of control but you have control. How you perceive and see the past is all in your hands, no one else.
3. Forget it - I have this thing where I can forgive my Fiance for everything he does. I usually forget it almost immediately. In my mind he is allowed to make mistakes and if I have forgiven him for those mistakes than I can forget them. When you forgive someone for something you have to be willing to forget it right away. That is how forgiveness works! It works for yourself too!!
So there it is, some wise words to follow myself and for you to follow if you need it!
The past is the past and it should be left in the past. Let's move on, together.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
When I think of OCD, I usually think of it as a person. A man. A man that sits on my shoulder feeding me lie after lie after lie. Each lie built upon the lie before. Each lie a bit scarier than the last.
As I have began overcoming OCD one common thread is self confidence. You see, when we are told a lie, self confidence in the truth can help us to know that lie is completely untrue. The lies still seem scary, they still freak you out, but you know deep down that the lie is...just that...a lie.
I think much of it is able to be narrowed down to one ingredient, worthiness. How do you see yourself? Do you think you are worthy of peace or worthless?
I think most people who struggle with OCD really just don't like themselves.That is one tactic the devil uses to make us feel worthless. If we don't like ourselves than it is easier for us to isolate ourselves and to put self-rejection and self-hatred on us.
So let us think about these questions:
1. How are the realtionships with other people in your life?
2. How is your relationship with God?
3. How is your relationship with yourself?
Although our relationship with God should come first, the relationship with ourselves are nearly as important. We cannot leave ourselves. We have to spend time with ourselves. Every single day. That is why our relationship with ourselves is nearly as important as our relationship with God.
So, how to we strengthen that relationship? It is simple. The same way we have caused ourselves anxiety is the way we can cure our anxiety. It is all about that inner dialogue.
Everyday, as many times as you can say to yourself, "I know God loves me, so I can love what God loves. I accept who I am and what I have done and accept myself in spite of those circumstances."
I think the most powerful move we can make is to change out thinking. We have to know we need to change, and want to change, but more importantly we have to allow God to change us. We cannot reject that change. Accepting change is one of the ways we can become an overcomer. Change is an inherent factor of life. We have to change. We have to. Our minds depend on it.
So reevaluate your relationships, especially with yourself. And work on the change that is inside you. Change your thoughts and change your life.
As I have began overcoming OCD one common thread is self confidence. You see, when we are told a lie, self confidence in the truth can help us to know that lie is completely untrue. The lies still seem scary, they still freak you out, but you know deep down that the lie is...just that...a lie.
I think much of it is able to be narrowed down to one ingredient, worthiness. How do you see yourself? Do you think you are worthy of peace or worthless?
I think most people who struggle with OCD really just don't like themselves.That is one tactic the devil uses to make us feel worthless. If we don't like ourselves than it is easier for us to isolate ourselves and to put self-rejection and self-hatred on us.
So let us think about these questions:
1. How are the realtionships with other people in your life?
2. How is your relationship with God?
3. How is your relationship with yourself?
Although our relationship with God should come first, the relationship with ourselves are nearly as important. We cannot leave ourselves. We have to spend time with ourselves. Every single day. That is why our relationship with ourselves is nearly as important as our relationship with God.
So, how to we strengthen that relationship? It is simple. The same way we have caused ourselves anxiety is the way we can cure our anxiety. It is all about that inner dialogue.
Everyday, as many times as you can say to yourself, "I know God loves me, so I can love what God loves. I accept who I am and what I have done and accept myself in spite of those circumstances."
I think the most powerful move we can make is to change out thinking. We have to know we need to change, and want to change, but more importantly we have to allow God to change us. We cannot reject that change. Accepting change is one of the ways we can become an overcomer. Change is an inherent factor of life. We have to change. We have to. Our minds depend on it.
So reevaluate your relationships, especially with yourself. And work on the change that is inside you. Change your thoughts and change your life.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Breaking the Seal
OCD, for the most part, use to run my life. Everything about it. Nothing in my life was normal. I would check windows to see what was outside, paranoid thoughts lived in me, I rarely left the house, and I was ruining every relationship in my life. Why? I thought that I deserved to suffer in silence and solitude. I needed to be alone.
I was of course wrong.
You see, OCD, is not just a disease. It is a disease with a mind, motive, and map. It lays out its plans, sets you up to walk right into that trap, and then engulfs your entire heart. OCD will push you to the corner and like an abusive husband will hit you until you just cannot take it anymore, so you fold.
That brings me to today's lesson. Get out.
One of the greatest moves I ever made as a sufferer was to isolate myself. I was so afraid that the world around me was going to get me, was going to take my life away, was going to take me from my life, that I would step back into the darkness. Here was the secret, OCD wanted that. It wanted me to sulk and sit back because than it could take over.
One of my biggest fears was leaving the house. I was so afraid that I was going to be arrested (for no reason other than stepping outside) that I began to think leaving my house only needed to happen when I went shopping and even then I made my fiance do it.
I remember, vividly, one day in particular. I needed to get to the craft store for supplies. So, I drove the 15 minutes there and on the way back while waiting at the light, a large truck pulled up behind me. When I saw the truck I saw the huge white letters read, 'POLICE'. My heart stopped. Every fear culminated together. I was going to be arrested, beaten, taken to jail, and subsequently murdered. This was it. This is where my life would end. I had a level 10 panic attack.
Then, I looked again.
No words. Nothing. It was a suburban housewife driving a big black truck. That was it. I had imagined the entire thing.
That is when I realized if OCD was not controlled it would do whatever it could to take my life and ruin it. It took me another year to make the first step but I did it. I spent the day outside of the house for the first time in nearly a year.
I got out.
That is your goal. Get out of your house, get out of your head, get out of your self, get out.
It is a small thing but my friends, it can get you through so many things. You have to break the seal. Do something that makes you afraid. Whether that is walking outside, like me, or refusing to check that door lock. Is it going to be uncomfortable? Yes. Will it be frightening? Yes. Will it pay off? Yes. Will it help you in the long run? Yes.
Overcoming OCD is simple, in theory. It is just about facing your fears one by one. Overcoming them one by one. As you begin to fix areas of your life, as you begin to get better, you will notice other cracks. Here is the great thing though...you will have the tools to fix them. I still face fears that are deeply rooted in anxiety but as an overcomer I have the ability to overcome those fears more easily.
We read in Genesis 15:12 that Abram faced a horror or shuddering fear. That fear is described as great darkness that assailed and oppressed him. Isn't that really just what OCD is? Our lives are assailed and oppressed! We are held back, held down, and held from seeing our future.
My hope is that each of you choose to not be oppressed by OCD and fear. You have nothing to fear. Trust me, I've been there, often the thought of our fear is much worse than what we fear! Don't let fear run your life. You run your fear and in turn your life!
Talk soon,
Rohn
I was of course wrong.
You see, OCD, is not just a disease. It is a disease with a mind, motive, and map. It lays out its plans, sets you up to walk right into that trap, and then engulfs your entire heart. OCD will push you to the corner and like an abusive husband will hit you until you just cannot take it anymore, so you fold.
That brings me to today's lesson. Get out.
One of the greatest moves I ever made as a sufferer was to isolate myself. I was so afraid that the world around me was going to get me, was going to take my life away, was going to take me from my life, that I would step back into the darkness. Here was the secret, OCD wanted that. It wanted me to sulk and sit back because than it could take over.
One of my biggest fears was leaving the house. I was so afraid that I was going to be arrested (for no reason other than stepping outside) that I began to think leaving my house only needed to happen when I went shopping and even then I made my fiance do it.
I remember, vividly, one day in particular. I needed to get to the craft store for supplies. So, I drove the 15 minutes there and on the way back while waiting at the light, a large truck pulled up behind me. When I saw the truck I saw the huge white letters read, 'POLICE'. My heart stopped. Every fear culminated together. I was going to be arrested, beaten, taken to jail, and subsequently murdered. This was it. This is where my life would end. I had a level 10 panic attack.
Then, I looked again.
No words. Nothing. It was a suburban housewife driving a big black truck. That was it. I had imagined the entire thing.
That is when I realized if OCD was not controlled it would do whatever it could to take my life and ruin it. It took me another year to make the first step but I did it. I spent the day outside of the house for the first time in nearly a year.
I got out.
That is your goal. Get out of your house, get out of your head, get out of your self, get out.
It is a small thing but my friends, it can get you through so many things. You have to break the seal. Do something that makes you afraid. Whether that is walking outside, like me, or refusing to check that door lock. Is it going to be uncomfortable? Yes. Will it be frightening? Yes. Will it pay off? Yes. Will it help you in the long run? Yes.
Overcoming OCD is simple, in theory. It is just about facing your fears one by one. Overcoming them one by one. As you begin to fix areas of your life, as you begin to get better, you will notice other cracks. Here is the great thing though...you will have the tools to fix them. I still face fears that are deeply rooted in anxiety but as an overcomer I have the ability to overcome those fears more easily.
We read in Genesis 15:12 that Abram faced a horror or shuddering fear. That fear is described as great darkness that assailed and oppressed him. Isn't that really just what OCD is? Our lives are assailed and oppressed! We are held back, held down, and held from seeing our future.
My hope is that each of you choose to not be oppressed by OCD and fear. You have nothing to fear. Trust me, I've been there, often the thought of our fear is much worse than what we fear! Don't let fear run your life. You run your fear and in turn your life!
Talk soon,
Rohn
Becoming and Overcomer
It's interesting how often times we are meant to do something. How we are meant to turn our mess into a message. Our pain into a presence. The test into a testimony. I suppose that is the cosmic joke of it all. You are born with something so frightening that just rears its ugly head one day and you use it to help others.
I was born with what my Mother always called, 'An anxious spirit..."
In other words, I was a few quarters short of a dollar. That was to be my lot in life. My grandfather has a nervous soul, as does my mother, and now I do. I pray I don't pass it on to my children, but that is a conversation best left for another day.
Today, I want to tell you about me, this blog, and where we will be going from here.
Who am I?
Well, my name is Ron and I live with OCD. For those of you who don't know, that is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A debilitating disease that steals your life, rips out your heart, and slams your emotions into overdrive.
I am what they refer to as Pure O. That means my life, for the most part, is lived within the boundaries of my head. I think thoughts, then those thoughts have thoughts, and then those thoughts lead to fear, anxiety, pain, sickness, and more.
However, I am happy to say that after 3 years of very hard work, I have come an extremely long way. The man sitting here and typing this is not the same man that sat in a room and tried to write a few years ago. I assume it is because I am a different person and I know that I just wasn't me.
What is this blog?
It is simply a place where people can come and get a little help. Where those who suffer silently each day can get a little boost. Where positivity and peace reign. Where we celebrate happiness in all its forms and learn not just how to deal with OCD but how to thrive at life!
Where will we be going?
I will be posting once a week (sometimes more) but at the minimum I will post a positive, uplifting, and straight talking post. We will examine life, its hardships, and how to work through everything that comes our way.
The bottom line is this. You can be an overcomer. You can overcome anything that comes your way. You are equipped. Inside each and everyone of us there is a set of tools we just have to learn how to unlock, unpack, and use.
1 John 4: 4-5 (Amplified) reads:
I was born with what my Mother always called, 'An anxious spirit..."
In other words, I was a few quarters short of a dollar. That was to be my lot in life. My grandfather has a nervous soul, as does my mother, and now I do. I pray I don't pass it on to my children, but that is a conversation best left for another day.
Today, I want to tell you about me, this blog, and where we will be going from here.
Who am I?
Well, my name is Ron and I live with OCD. For those of you who don't know, that is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A debilitating disease that steals your life, rips out your heart, and slams your emotions into overdrive.
I am what they refer to as Pure O. That means my life, for the most part, is lived within the boundaries of my head. I think thoughts, then those thoughts have thoughts, and then those thoughts lead to fear, anxiety, pain, sickness, and more.
However, I am happy to say that after 3 years of very hard work, I have come an extremely long way. The man sitting here and typing this is not the same man that sat in a room and tried to write a few years ago. I assume it is because I am a different person and I know that I just wasn't me.
What is this blog?
It is simply a place where people can come and get a little help. Where those who suffer silently each day can get a little boost. Where positivity and peace reign. Where we celebrate happiness in all its forms and learn not just how to deal with OCD but how to thrive at life!
Where will we be going?
I will be posting once a week (sometimes more) but at the minimum I will post a positive, uplifting, and straight talking post. We will examine life, its hardships, and how to work through everything that comes our way.
The bottom line is this. You can be an overcomer. You can overcome anything that comes your way. You are equipped. Inside each and everyone of us there is a set of tools we just have to learn how to unlock, unpack, and use.
1 John 4: 4-5 (Amplified) reads:
4 Little children, you are of God [you belong to Him] and have [already] defeated and overcome them [the agents of the antichrist], because He Who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world.
5 They proceed from the world and are of the world; therefore it is out of the world [its [d]whole economy morally considered] that they speak, and the world listens (pays attention) to them.
You are an overcomer. Never give up. You can do it. Together we can do it.
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