Overcomming the Past

Yesterday, I read something that really stuck with me.

Dwelling On The Past

Mentally strong individuals focus on the present moment and on the near future. They understand that the past is out of our control and the far future is about as predictable as the weather this winter.

Isn't that mind opening? I mean think about it...we as an OCD community deal with guilt, condemnation, sadness, fear, and more that sometimes deal with the past. To become mentally strong we have to learn to focus on the present moment and the near future. Not the far future. Why? Well as the quote says, it is useless.

The last week I have been dealing with a lot of issues regarding my past. Essentially giving the past a bit of power over my life. So much power in fact that I lost nearly 4 days of work to a weird pseudo catatonic anxiety state. I could not work on anything because EVERYTHING was giving me anxiety attacks. I mean everything.

As my OCD has been getting better and better it has also been getting worse and worse. Two steps forward and three steps back. I am making progress but lord it is rough sometimes. This past week was caused by a string of events that eventually led to an attack. Let me explain a bit:

Two years ago (nearly 3 now) my fiance and I were in a rough spot. Life was about as bad as it could get. We had little money, lived in the ghetto, I was unemployed, and he was dealing with some personal issues we won't get into. Well, I began talking to a man who I had met online. we became quick friends and got extremely close. He took advantage of my feelings and I let my feelings get the better of me. Well, knowing that what was happening was wrong I rushed home and told my fiance all about it. He wasn't angry, he understood how I was feeling, and also realized his faults in what had happened. Well, he forgave me, we moved on, and he proposed a few months later. We have been happy ever since, sure we fight occasionally, but overall we are happy as can be. We are in the second stage of our relationship and will soon move onto our third, marriage.

Now I say all of that to say this...I think the worst of myself so much.I feel like I am the most horrible person ever. I will harp on a mistake over and over and over until it is so deeply in tune with my soul that it becomes a part of me instead of a part of my past. Honestly, I still think about the mistakes that I made years and years and years ago. I think on them and feel guilty for them. The devil tells me I will get over it if I just bare my soul and ask every person for forgiveness but my mind and heart knows that in reality two things could happen:

1. That forgiveness could never ever happen.
2. You bring up negative feelings that others are dealing with and have moved on resulting in more anger and a whole extra bag of feelings.

So what do you do? Forgive yourself. I am convinced that is the answer. You have to forgive what you have done and know that God forgives you of it.

Take me for example, if my Fiance forgives me and God forgives me then I need to forgive me. But I can't. Why? Because I dont think that I am worth forgiveness. I did what only the scum of the earth does. I did what people who are weak minded, weak willed, and weak do. I broke the trust of my boyfriend. I let everyone down.

See how I could go on and on? If I let the OCD and the devil have free reign my mind would be in the gutter. Self deprecating talk is about as useful as trying to swim in snow. You have to stop. You have to move on. You have to forgive yourself.

I asked H how he moved on from things he has done wrong. He has had a life and lived a life! Which always means making mistakes, and subsequently moving on from those mistakes.

"I don't know, I guess I just do. Sometimes I think about things I've done wrong and wish I'd done them differently but you can't so I just forget about them."

He put it simply and I have broken it down into a few steps you can follow to help you through those troubling times:

1. Let it go - Now I am not talking about simply letting the thought float away. No, you will have to force those thoughts out. Get them out of your head. Write them out. Speak them. Do what you have to do to get those thoughts out of your head.

2. Forgive yourself - You cannot change the past and you cannot let the past change you. You control how you let the past affect you. So much of OCD is about not having control. A fear of your life spinning out of control but you have control. How you perceive and see the past is all in your hands, no one else. 

3. Forget it - I have this thing where I can forgive my Fiance for everything he does. I usually forget it almost immediately. In my mind he is allowed to make mistakes and if I have forgiven him for those mistakes than I can forget them. When you forgive someone for something you have to be willing to forget it right away. That is how forgiveness works! It works for yourself too!!

So there it is, some wise words to follow myself and for you to follow if you need it!

The past is the past and it should be left in the past. Let's move on, together.